Retribution X: Xmas Capers
by Anything but ordinary3
Summary: It's Xmas! As with everything in Retribution X's existance it can not go with out madness or somethingsomeone being burnt! R & R much apreciated! Complete Enjoy it or your money back!
1. The great tree fiasco

**Disclaimer: The ones that are marvels ain't and vice versa!**

Huge thanks to Oracles Maiden (check out her new fic Misfit) who practically did everything but write this Fanfiction (even then she wrote Mel's bit) if it hadn't been her this would never have been completed! 

_Thanks also to NCSGirl who's fics are also immensely funny! Check out her Mario parody! It is hilarious! Thanks also for supporting Retribution X from start to almost finish (nearly there now!)_

A big thank you to Zilent Zombie who also has really hilarious fanfictions on the X-men check out 'Figures' and 'Robert Drake, Iceman NO more' they are gaurenteed to have you in stitches! Thank you so much for the electric dog collar I find Logan does his job much better after a zap (too many however and there goes the sofa!)

_Yay__! Xx-Disturbed-xX finally someone who hates Jean Grey almost as much as I do! Thank you for your support both with Big Brotherhood and the Retribution X series! _

I hope you all enjoy this fanfiction as I did writing it!

**Ok anyway please read and review I was gonna say some other stuff but its flown out of my mind but I would like to say sorry for this being such a long chapter but I didn't wanna slice it in half! Erm….what else…on with the story!**

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**Retribution X: Xmas Capers**

I stood over the cooker listening to Tristan describe to anyone who would listen, about his rude awakening.

"I hope you all feel sorry for poor lil' Tris, who was brutally awoken from a rather pleasant dream by our fearless leader over there…" I felt rather than saw him glower in my direction "…'gently'…" He made quotation mark gestures with his fingers "…ripping my curtains open with no more apology than 'Tristan get your fat lazy arse into the danger room!' allowing lethal bright light to flood my room scorching my poor delicate eyes…"

I snorted, Tristan continued obliviously however.

"…as the bed clothes got ruthlessly ripped from my pale, yet highly interesting body, leaving me exposed like a vampire on a sun bed!"

Jubilee smiled at his over dramatics, Richard however didn't even look up from the newspaper, Mel looked vaguely amused as she awaited Kurt's return from a mission, Kat hadn't surfaced yet (What? You go in her room and see if it's an experience you wish to repeat!) and Bounce rolled her eyes in my direction. 

I'm 21 now approaching my 22nd birthday (like on the 27th of December), yet I feel the same as I did on the day we were told that we would become an official branch of the X-men, yet everything and everyone around me had changed, looking back I realise that I too had changed, its just that it isn't so obvious when its you who's changed.

"_At first I was afraid I was petrified, _

_Thought I could never live without you by my side, _

_And so I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,_

_And I grew strong…"_

Everyone had changed that is, except Kat!

Richard instinctively closed his newspaper and dove for the door, whereas Tristan put his hands over his ears in, what can only be described as, a frenzied manner. 

"Afternoon Kat" I said with a frown as the 20 yr old toddler grabbed the toast Mel was just about to bite into and stuffed it down her large gullet.

She smiled at me in an insane manner "I need a new alarm clock"

I looked at her puzzled, not really at what she had said but the way she had just said it, with that inane grin spread across her face (to say nothing of the butter smeared across her left cheek).

"Why?" It seemed no one else was going to ask so it was down to me again

"I set fire to it!" She looked at us all staring at her "What?! I had a dream where we were fighting the marshmallow man and we were toasting him and gnawing him and he was so delicious he made me drool…."

"The alarm clock?" I interrupted her

"Oh yeah right, well I must of acted out my dream because when I woke up it was on fire so I threw it out of the window, so I saved the day once again" She looked triumphant, that is until she saw something out of the window.

We all turned and looked out of the window to see Beast running around the lawn patting at the fire on his head. Will things ever change??

**Later in the briefing room.******

It was very rare that we had to sit in on a briefing held by Scott and if anyone ever did it was me (bloody screwy leadership!) He was now lecturing everyone on the 'importance of our role' blah de blah de blah! Several X-Men had fallen asleep, indeed Hank was sat in the corner chin on chest snoring softly (just as well really, give him time to get over the trauma of this morning, who would have thought fur was so flammable?), others were passing notes (as demonstrated by Professor X and Jean Grey), while some (Wolverine) were heckling the speaker. Me, I chose to think (a dangerous task I know!). 

I had often wondered why no one had realised that Scott would be far more effective on the field if he lectured his opponent to death, that would kill off all thing's evil off in one go, and the world would probably be a lot safer place full of Scott clones who would help old ladies across the road, would do anything ol' Charlie Xavier wanted and wouldn't know a joke if it ran up, did some Morris dancing and then smacked them in the face with wet fish leftovers. Actually the more I thought I about it, under such conditions as these, the more I concluded that not even the most evil of evil genius's deserved that, no not even Apocalypse… actually Jean Grey did just for being so damn perfect and choosing this man as a life long mate, no wonder she was so moody really, was it?

My silence was broken by Marrow shouting "Hey arse face how hard can a bit of carol singing be?"

I can quite honestly say I have never heard quite a rousing response made to any comment made in the briefing room before…well maybe the time that Jean suggested we should neuter Kat….actually not even then.

**In our living room**

I walked into the living room with a slight limp (I was just one of the many casualties of the mass stampede, in the manner of demented wildebeest, out of the briefing room and hence, away from Scott), to be faced with what appeared to be a cursing Christmas tree.

"Shut up your whining and put it up higher" Jubilee instructed as she munched on a mince pie (courtesy of Mel)

"Jubes are you talking to a Christmas tree?" I asked 

"Oh that's right this morning my names 'fat lazy arse' and now it's Christmas tree" Tristan said in mock indignation as he emerged from the vast prickly foliage of the evergreen.

Jubilee rolled her eye's "He's always bloody moaning that one."

Before Tristan could respond Mel burst through the door flanked by Kurt. 

"Oh my god what is that?" Mel said stopping at the door causing Kurt to bump into her

I made a note to fit some kind of hazard warning or brake lights to Mel.

"Funny you should ask really" Tristan said head on one side "Where I come from its called a 'Christmas tree' however in this part of the mansion it seems to be some kind of instrument of torture!"

Jubes rolled her eyes "Ignore him"

"No I mean what is wrong with it, I don't think it's meant to be brown!" Mel said peering at it as if it would suddenly sprout wings and fly at our heads.

I looked at it "You mean it isn't festively coloured to look like that?"

Mel groaned "No numb nut's its dead couldn't you tell by the way the pines have been dropping all over the floor?"

We looked at there floor as if it held the 10th wonder of the world, or whatever number we've got to now. 

Kurt decided he'd put in his two penny's worth too (as if having one smart arse in the house wasn't enough we had to cope with her boyfriend too). "I would have thought that the fact that these trees are called evergreens would have been a hint!"

"You sure all it needs isn't a bit of water?" I asked prodding one of the branches which resulting in a mass dropping of brown pine needles.

 Mel sighed in exasperation.

"Okay so does anyone have a plan after all what kind of Christmas will we have with this monster?" Jubes said kicking its pot angrily

Tristan mumbled that the monster tree had been perfectly fine ten minutes ago

"Ouch!" I clutched my head

"What?"

"It's okay I've just had an idea" O.K. so Mordekai had suggested it but they didn't have to know that right?

**Half an hour later**

After a lot of huffing and puffing we had finally managed to fit the huge green tree through the living room door. We stood back to admire the lush green foliage of this remarkable specimen of a tree.

"Scott sure knows how to pick 'em huh?" Bounce said in an admiring tone having just come back from a date.

"Yup!" We all nodded in agreement

"But uh…you sure that he won't notice that you swapped the trees?" She asked tentatively

Mel smiled pityingly at Bounces naivety "No, no he'll just think he's going mad, or in a worse case scenario he'll accuse Wolverine of pissing on it!"

**An hour later**

We stood back and admired our handy work, ok Tristan and Kurt's handy work with our 'gentle' guidance (have you ever seen Jubilee at Christmas, poor sods no wonder Richard was hiding until this was all over!). The tree was now dressed in its Sunday best!

"Oh my god!" Kat burst into the room Flump

We looked around to see what had startled her, alas it was our lovely silver and blue adorned tree. It's funny how quickly pine burns really isn't it? 

**10 minutes later**

We poked our heads around the door cautiously.

"Kat you stay out here and whistle if he's coming ok?" I instructed full of self importance

Kat nodded and stood soldier style by the door.

"Ok guys begin your search and remember do not leave one sock unturned!" 

Mel, Bounce, Jubilee and Tristan began a frenzied search of the room.

"Oh look he's got an eye patch I wonder what he uses it for!" I said holding up the black eye patch I found in one of his drawers

Jubilee rolled her eyes "Haven't you ever heard about his time at Madripoor?"

I shook my head before resuming the search "You found anything Tris?"

Tristan was stood stock still with a small amount of drool dribbling down the side of his chin.

Mel walked over to see what he was staring at and the recoiled in fear and began to whimper quietly

"Mel what in god's name?" I said striding over to see what was the cause of such reactions.

I peered into the cupboard cum porn shrine and frowned slamming the door.

"Will he never stop?!" Kat, who had somehow entered the room with out our knowledge, squeaked from my shoulder.

"I think we need to take evidence!" Tristan said re-opening the cupboard causing Kat to run screaming in horror out of the room.

I whacked his hand out of the cupboard sharply

"Ohh look I've found a red eye patch!" Bounce said triumphantly before holding it up "I wonder how he puts it on though"

Mel looked afraid, very afraid before explaining that the eye patch was in fact a jock strap, apparently a jock strap that hadn't seen a washing machine this side of last Christmas.

"Yuck!" Bounce tried in vain to shake off the offending item with little success.

At that moment the door opened

"Kat you're supposed to be keeping watch" I said rummaging through a closet 

Snickt

"You're not Kat are you?" I said standing up slowly

"Are you looking for these?" Wolverine asked dangling the keys to his jeep off of one claw

"Nooo…er ….yes" Mel said looking at the floor shame facedly

"Why the hell didn't ya just ask?" He growled shooting me a scary look that usually indicated some things (or someones) death was impending

"Because you would only have said no!" Jubilee said folding her arms over her chest

"No I would…" Wolverine stopped mid sentence as he noticed Bounce desperately trying to shake the jock strap from her hand. He blushed slightly before continuing "Why d'ya want it anyway?"

"We need to get a new tree!" Bounce said

I shook my head; couldn't she keep her mouth shut?

He chuckled "So does one eye if Jeans reaction to the one he brought home earlier today is anything to go by"

We looked guiltily at the floor

**In Wolverines jeep**

Unfortunately the task of the tree hunt with Wolverine had befallen me and Mel, everyone else it seems had suddenly got dates or long lost relatives that needed seeing, oh and Richard had apparently come down with a bout of the flu…a likely story!

"Get your snotty nose away from the glass kid" Oh and Kat had come along for the ride too. 

**At the Christmas tree place**

I looked in wonder the field was full of Christmas trees of varying sizes and colours.

"Okay kids pick the tree ya want then we can head home" Wolverine growled

Kat spun around in wonder "I want that one!" She exclaimed whizzing round and pointing her finger at a large green tree. 

Unfortunately in her excitement she sent a small fireball at the tree and it caught fire

"Okay maybe not that one, let's have that one!" She spun around again, and again she set fire to the tree.

Me and Mel sighed; this was going to be a long afternoon.

**3 Hours later**

What had once been a large field filled with Christmas trees was now a huge bonfire. We looked at it sadly, before running to the jeep when the owner reappeared with a pitchfork.

We then made our way to the mall.

**Half an hour later**

We were once again running, but this time it was from the security. We ran through the door and then noticing Wolverine was having difficulty getting through the door we gave him a little help, before running like a herd of demented wildebeest to the jeep, where Kat was bound to her seat and gagged. Wolvie quickly strapped the huge and finely decorated Christmas tree to the roof, and we were gone quicker then Quicksilver after smelling Scuzzlebutts underwear (presuming he wore underwear that is!)

"Bring back that Christmas tree!" Was the only sound carried on the winter air as we sped home with our 'borrowed' Christmas tree

**Soooo****…..what will happen now? Proceed to the next chapter to find out**

**Logan****: What?! I have a jockstrap?**

**Ellie: Correction you have a dirty Jockstrap**

**Logan****: Grrrr….Snickt**

**Ellie: smiles and Zaps him with electric collar**

**Logan****: Cowers**

**Ellie: That will teach you! You bad Muse! smiles at readers Please review or zappety zap to you!!**


	2. Carolling

**Like the last chapter was long this one is short! Sorry! Anyways er…do read, try to enjoy and review! Thank you and many smiles!**

**That evening**

Unfortunately it was time for that annual monstrosity that is the carol singing trip. It's the same every year: we fight over who is not going to have to be in the group with Kat and Scott and I try and find imaginative and interesting ways to get out of doing any singing, this year I believed I had hit upon a great master plan.

Kurt came to tell us that Scott wanted everyone assembled before we left seeing as no one had taken his briefing session seriously.

Kurt began to walk out of the door with an arm wrapped around Mel's waist, before stopping and looking at the Christmas tree "You know your tree looks an awful lot like the centre piece in the mall!"

Bounce quickly bundled the blue mutant and his girlfriend through the door.

**Mutant Assembly in the hall.******

"Right we shall split into groups so we can cover a larger area" Scott informed us "So who wants to go with me?" 

We all looked at each other, it was notorious how badly he sang, there was only one person who could have an equal claim to being off key, off tune and generally atrocious.

"Kat wants to!" Bounce said shoving Kats hand in the air

"Well actually I was thinking…." Kat began looking at me

"No! Kat will go with Scott; they could be a little twosome." I smiled thanks at Bounce

Kurt and Mel clung to each other and we were under no doubts that them two would be going together.

It was now time to kick my most excellent plan into action. "I'll go with Wolverine!"

Everyone looked at me astonished "You will!"

"Sure I will, it is the season of goodwill and all that!"

I, like Scotts singing, am notorious, but for different reasons, namely my scathing comments to and about Wolverine. 

Wolverine looked at me suspiciously.

Once everyone was allocated groups Scott finished up by reminding us that the people who raised enough money for the mutant orphanage would be rewarded. 

'Let the games begin' I thought evilly rubbing my hands together.

**On the streets**

We had now established a familiar pattern, it involved swig of alcohol, knock on door, "Hello" from home owner, Snickt "Here take all our money, but please don't hurt us!", and then on to the next house in the street where the process was repeated all over again.

Quickly me and Wolverine had taken over $300 which we were safe in the knowledge that no one else would be able to compete with and so we made our way to the areas where the others where doing there good deeds.

When we got to the street where Mel and Kurt where singing we stopped and watched as they sang to a little boy, who said something that Mel had found very amusing.

"What did he say?" I asked Wolverine

"He said 'look Mum at Christmas even Angels and the devil put aside their differences and sing together!'"

"Yuck!" Goody, goody Mel was always being compared to an angel

"Tell me about it!" Wolverine growled in agreement

We began to walk then lugging our cash with us; we walked in an uncomfortable silence.

I looked at the perfect little houses, with their white picket fences and wished just for a moment that I had what was shared within those four walls of a family home. I thought not for the first time that day, nor the 50th, about my mum and I wondered what she was doing. I felt Mordekai inside my head trying to soothe me, I frowned and told him that I was fine and didn't need any comfort. I heard Mordekai 'Humph' in my head before once again he disappeared to allow me to live my life. I immediately apologised to him, which he accepted gracefully.

"What ya thinkin' bout kid?" He said looking at the frown crease my head

"Nothing we're just having an argument!" I said angrily

"No we're not we ain't even speakin', hardly" 

"Not me and you…oh never mind"

As we walked past a street, decorated brightly with colourful fairy lights and Christmassy garden ornaments.

Suddenly Wolverine clenched his hands over his ears and began to run, I followed him closely. So that was where Scott and Kat were then!

**Did I ever tell you that it looks like Kats got the most votes to be entered into the ****Big****Brotherhood**Mansion******? **

**Anyway like the story? Hate it? Please do tell! **


	3. Toothbrush

**Hello again *waves like a lunatic*! Anyway on with the story! Check out how freaky Wolverines acting…makes you wonder huh?**

**CHRISTMAS EVE**

Why I was there I don't know, I had stopped being a resident of this side of the mansion years ago, but I had felt compelled to stay last night, I shall offer no explanation as to why, because I didn't think there was any explanation, except maybe that it was Scott and the brats off key singing that did it.

I wandered, in as masculine manner as is possible, to the downstairs bathroom, which was just like the en-suites upstairs except that everyone used it because the water pressure in the shower was better. I was sure they kept a spare toothbrush around here somewhere (apparently the old one that I had left in my bedroom here was used by Ash to clean the toilets with). 

I rummaged through the bathroom cabinets, hell it looked like I'd have to use that old toothbrush after all. I reached behind the toilet and found a box, so this is where they hide their new toothbrushes now do they?

I opened the box and stared at the contraption in front of me, so where are the bristles? I got out the instruction manual, maybe I had twist it to get the bristles to pop out, you know what the Worm boy's like with his gadgets and all that. Ok so why would I wanna do that with a toothbrush??

I looked at the heading and stood stock still for a minute trying to let the information sink into my Adamantium reinforced skull. I was more shocked then a snail told that's its long lost father was in fact the King Elephant from Ireland, how could this be? It was a…pregnancy test!!!?!

I sat and soaked in the bath, ahhh, this was the life. Okay so I had to wear a bikini because I often got called out of the bath and as a way to combat that I left the door unlocked with a sign on it that said 'I'm in the tub, but feel free to come in if your business is important…unless it's Jean or Scott in that case run along home!' So when I bathed (for anything up to 5 hours) I usually had a constant stream of people in and out, people wanting things signed, people complaining about Kat, Tristan wanting a chat about his love life or lack therefore of and Jubilee coming in for some 'quality time' (i.e. to chew my ear off about something). Today I feared would be no exception, but dammit I only had a proper soak once a bloody week usually it was just a quick shower then to my destination, and I was determined to make the most of it.

Crash, Smash "Argh!"

I frowned, it sounded like someone was being attacked downstairs. I sighed, it was probably just Kat attacking Bounce with an ice cream cone again, its funny how well they wedge into her eye.

"Where is she? Where is she?" I heard a frenzied yell

It had to be a Kat related incident I thought sinking lower into the warm bubbly water.

'The emergency services should set up a desk especially devoted to Kat related incidents' I though lazily as I soaped up my arms, oblivious to the sound of heavy footsteps on the stair.

The bathroom door burst open

"You know it is customary to knock" I said with out even looking up from where I was making patterns in the water with the bar of soap.

The only response I got was a soft growl.

That snapped my head up *he* never came to my bathroom.

"We need ta talk kid" He held out a towel and wrapped me in it gently as I stepped out of the bath, which was slightly uncharacteristic.

At that moment a bloody nosed Tristan stumbled into the room.

I sighed "Okay boys into the living room I'll be right down after I've chucked some clothes on!"

**In the living room.******

"Okay lads what' all this fighting about?"

"You should know! The way he carry's on, you would never believe he was going to be a father, with all of them racy women and fast cars…or is that the other way round?" Wolverine ranted

"I'm going to be a father?" Tristan's little face was one of sheer horror and terror.

"Tristan what have I told you about contraception?" I lectured

Wolverine looked at me strangely. I rose above the situation however by ignoring him.

"There's only one thing to do, some one will have to make an honest woman out of you!" Wolverine said eyes bugging out slightly

"What have I got to do with anything?" I asked puzzled

Wolverine sighed and spoke really slowly as one would when explaining something complex to Kat "You…are…pregnant…can…not…be…single…

mum…teams…reputation…. In… shatters"

I looked at him as if he had grown three heads "How am I pregnant surely you need to have…er…umm…." I cleared my throat "…you know!"

"You mean you haven't?" Wolverine looked a mixture of shocked and relived

"No!" It suddenly hit me what he was suggesting "Urgh! With Tristan?? Couldn't your warped fuddy duddy mind come up with anything better than a relationship between me and Tristan?" I laughed, in fact I laughed so hard I was having to clutch my sides to stop them splitting, Tristan soon joined in.

It took me a long time however to realise that Wolverine was not laughing, I stopped and cleared my throat

"Well if this ain't yours, then whose is it?" He asked holding up what appeared to be the box of a new toothpaste tube

"It may surprise you to find this out Mr. tell me the meaning of personal hygiene, but we all…" I waved my hand vaguely around the house "…use toothpaste!"

"Its not toothpaste darlin'!" He gritted his teeth "It's a pregnancy test!"

"Bollocks!" I exclaimed, while Tristan sighed with relief he hadn't slept with any of the Retribution girls, not that I knew of anyway.

I began to pace around the room with anxiety.

It wasn't long before the living room door was flung open by a cheerful face.

"Bounce how could you?" It shot out of my mouth before I could stop it.

"How could I what?" She said entering the room Richard hot on her heels. 

Wolverine shot up from where he was sat and punched Richard in the face with a crunch of bones, Richards bones. Richard looked up startled; he really didn't know what had hit him.

"Um guys what's going on?" Bounce asked as Tristan took her elbow and guided her gently to a seat.

"Its okay, it'll all be okay!" I soothed her feeling very awkward…just what do you say to someone who's pregnant.

Wolverine knelt in front of her "Its gonna be okay, I'll make an honest woman outta ya and raise it as if it's my own, I won't expect anything in return, but I'll help where I can!"

I stood stock still, was Wolverine proposing to Bounce?? He must have been at the ol' wacky backy again, that he pretends (to dumb ass Scott at least, who actually believes him!) is tobacco, he'd really started a few months ago when he had a visit from someone named Viper.

"We'll raise what together?" Bounce looked confused now.

"The child, *Your* child!" Wolverine looked imploring 

Okay, so his hormones must be playing up maybe he had reached the doggy (oops did I say doggie I meant male) menopause.

"Um guys I haven't got a child" Bounce was looking around her for the nearest escape route.

Wolverine however turned his attentions to Richard.

"You bastard!" He spat squaring on him "How could you do this and then leave her to face the consequences alone…what kind of animal are you?"

Richard blinked holding a wet cloth (the one Tristan had been previously holding) against his mashed up nose. "A worm actually!"

I laughed good old Richard, now we were in for some entertainment. I rubbed my hands together with glee.

"Smart arse!" Snickt

"There's something which I think I left on in the lab" Richard ran out of the wing, with Wolverine hot on his heels.

"By the way the answers no, I don't date Furbies!" Bounce shouted after Wolverines retreating form

**An hour later**

As much as I hate to admit it, we got it wrong, we knew now that it wasn't Bounce who was pregnant; the sad fact was though that we didn't know who was. I must say I had my doubts about the Bounce theory from the beginning, after all to my knowledge Bounce and Richard never even spoke in their spare time let alone…well you know! I just thought that maybe Wolverine had some kind of insider information.

Now we were waiting for the return of the real culprit. Jubes and her boyfriend Marshall (the mutant) had gone early morning last minute Christmas shopping. It was her return that I dreaded the most, Wolverine was bound to make a scene and embarrass himself, and the others around him, more then he already had.

As if on cue Jubilee walked through the door barely able to see over the top of her parcels and gifts.

Wolverine looked at her with tears glistening in his eyes (maybe it was Mystique!)

"Darlin' why couldn't ya have told me?"

"Well I know you don't like shopping and especially on busy days like today and it was early…" She began before being interrupted by Wolverine gently taking her delicate hand with his own beautiful one, as he knelt before her.

Unfortunately the lovely gesture was marred by slight tragedy as Wolverines head got pelted with several gifts and boxes. He repressed the look of potato anger on his face before continuing lovingly.

"Not that darlin' why couldn't ya have told me about ya state?"

"What state? State as in New York State?" She asked him puzzled

"Darlin' I know that neither of us want or need a complication in our lives, hell your like a daughter to me, but I can't let you become a single mum" Jubilees mouth opened "Will ya marry me?" Jubilees mouth opened so wide she looked like one of those snakes that can disjoint their jaw.

"Um Wolvie ya know I love ya and all, but er firstly I aint pregnant and secondly I wouldn't marry you if I were" Jubilee looked like she was going to laugh

Relief flooded Wolverines face.

Ohhhh that left just one person, Kat!

**Oh dear Kats pregnant!? Can you imagine what little buggers they'll be? **

**Logan****: Dear god! Shall I just kill myself now?**

**Ellie: Would you?**

**Logan****: No!**

**Ellie: Awwww but you said….**

**Logan****: snickt**

**Ellie: Oh well never mind! Please er Review and I'll hopefully see you in the next chapter gulps though I wouldn't get your hopes up! Remember reviews is what this authors world go round, so to keep the Retribution world spinning donate just 1 review! end sales man persona Anyway bye Waves before running into a wall**


	4. Bun in the inferno

**Hehehe****!! Ellie sings "Baby food is in the air everywhere you look around, Baby food is in the air with every sight and every sound!" Stops and looks at you, yes *YOU* Ahem! Please don't forget to review or I may cut the Retribution X series shorter because no one reads! Anyway do enjoy! **

**Later….******

Okay, it was 11:00 Am when Kat finally arrived home from whatever she was doing the night before (probably still singing with Scott), and she was closely followed by Mel and Kurt who had only just gotten up.

Bounce, Tristan and Jubilee had left us to this pregnancy hunt; however we had been joined by Hank who had heard the news via Richard.

"Kat take a seat…" Hank said shifting off of the sofa to give her room (it was almost as if she was contagious the way he moved).

Bobby burst in at that moment

"Hey guys!" He said marching into the kitchen and bringing in a tub of ice ream to share with Kat. 

Wolverine promptly snatched the ice cream off of him with a growl of "Not in her condition"

Bobby just blinked rapidly before wailing "He stole my ice cream!" and running to Hank for comfort.

Wolverine moved towards Kat awkwardly…he wasn't going to…was he? I ran to get a video camera, a tape recorder…anything! I grabbed Mel's Polaroid, that would do!

"I'll make an honest woman outta ya, even if I wanna slice n dice ya everyday of ya life, I promise I will refrain by using alcohol as my will power. I promise you that all of our days will be shitty, but as long as the baby is well cared for who gives a damn!"

Kat burst out laughing, which made Wolverine turn purple "Wolverines pregnant!" She informed the room with a giggle.

We frowned; Mel and Kurt looked on puzzled.

Wolverine gritted his teeth fighting to control his temper "Nah your tha one who's pregnant …" He almost choked as he said the next word "…darlin'"

"I am?" She sounded unconvinced before she remembered something "Yes I am! So hunny bear…" she looked at Wolverine "..What were you saying?" She broke into song before he could answer though. The song happened to be 'The hills are alive with the sound of music', Wolverines favourite, worst song of them all.

"The person who sang that song was a nun, like me!" She announced before continuing her solo

"Kat that song was sung by a nun; however nuns are virgins which is something you are not…apparently!" Mel pointed out gently

"The baby's Jesus!" Kat screamed doing a circuit of the room arms waving, before she sat down again and resumed her song. 

"Its no good I just can't do it, I would rather pull out my wind pipe, or have my really sensitive nose positioned by Scott's really smelly arse for the rest of my life than do the honourable thing, if it involves marrying her!" Wolverine pointed a quivering finger at Kat who was still singing and he ran out of the room hands clamped over his ears 

Bobby looked at Hank "Goody! I'm going to be a daddy!" He clapped idiotically before stopping and thinking for a moment. "Have you got a shrink ray?"

Hank looked puzzled "No, why?"

"Well I was thinking that if we shrunk you, you could be baby's teddy!" 

"Good help this dear sweet unborn child!" Hank said eyes turned skyward

**5 Minutes Later**

Jubilee walked into the room flanked by Bounce, they had apparently already heard the news.

"Kats having a litter!" Jubilee announced as if we didn't already know

"If she has too many will we have to drown them?" Bounce asked sadly

I worried about them sometimes

**Minding my own business**

"So how long do you think you've been pregnant?" I asked

Kat merely shrugged

Bobby was so excited by the news he had run straight out to get himself a pregnancy suit, and Hank had suggested to Kat that she look after a bag of sugar as if was a baby to she how she would cope.

Bobby was now wandering around the mansion in a body suit that made him look like he was pregnant. He had been tripped over a grand total of 22 times by Wolverine who was both angry that one of the girls he had trained was up the duff and amused at the thought of Kat looking after a baby.

Richard walked in the room with Hank, to where Bobby was sat in his body suit and Kat was sat munching on her bag of sugar with a spoon. The fore mentioned bag of sugar had writing all over the side in thick black marker, but the handwriting was so atrocious that I couldn't understand what it said, in fact I think a large number of the letters were back to front . It had become a little game between me and Wolverine earlier in the day to try and decipher it.

"Mmm….My babies tasty!" She mumbled to herself

"Poor child!" Beast said sadly

She carried on speaking to her 'baby' obliviously "You came out of my belly, so I can put you back in"

Maybe someone should explain to her that that wasn't a real baby.

"I know to have a child so young when she's still a child herself…or at least seems like one" Richard agreed

"I was referring to the baby whom she is devouring" Hank said with a sad smile

"Oh yeah right!"

Kat suddenly snapped out of her sugar eating trance and noticed Hank and Richard for the first time.

"Do you have a hair of Wolverines?" She asked Hank

"Er no…" He began before I rudely cut in

"There are probably plenty of them in the plug I'd try there"

"Why?" Hank asked clearly puzzled.

"Because I want to clone him and train him then I can pit good Wolverine against scary Wolverine and prey to god the good one prevails otherwise I'll get a hit on the head!"

Richard looked amused as he strode into the kitchen to get a beer (it was a ritual of his: come home from lab, get beer, go back to lab).

 "Kat, I think its more likely you'll get a claw in the gut... you know Wolverines picky about his DNA..." I sad trying to keep a straight face, and failing

Kat looked sadly at her spoon 

"Ok... can I try it with Xavier? I can make him have hair and they can have a wheelchair fight a week to amuse us... and do our evil bidding... you didn't hear me say that right..."

"Kat I hate to point out this obvious floor in your plan…" I began before Hank interrupted

"No you don't you love it!"

"Yes, yes I do! Anyway as I was saying Xavier hasn't got any hair so how do you plan on getting his DNA?" I said

"He can't be bald all over surely…" Hank began before I hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper

"I was hoping you would give me some ideas…" She said imploringly looking specifically at Richard.

"Don't look at me, I gave up evil plans the day I stopped working for Microsoft"

I sat down on the floor "I can't understand anyone wanting kids, their like Vampires they suck you dry then put you in a home."

"Vampires don't put you in a home my dear" Hank pointed out

I pulled a face at him but continued unhindered by his negative comment about my comparison "You know humans are the only animals that have children on purpose, with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs!"

Hank looked at me "P.J.O'Rourke?"

"Yup!" I grinned proud of my vast knowledge of quotations.

"I take it you don't want children" Hank said eyebrows raised

"Hell no! The way I see it is all they do is cry, dribble and crap! Then when they talk all they can do is answer back and treat you like your thick, when it is in fact them who are lacking in brains. Then they get older and never visit and shove you in an old people's home that smells either of cabbage or urine, or in some dreadful cases both!!" I ranted 

"So you would never consider it? At all?" Hank seemed intrigued

"Well I suppose if I was married…don't get me started on marriage….I don't want to do that either…and my husband really wanted children and I loved him enough then *maybe*." I said considering me with a baby, I'd probably drop it

"What if, god forbid, you had an unplanned pregnancy?" He leaned forward this was the kind of debate Hank liked; where he asked all the questions  

"Abortion, I would only ever consider keeping it if I was in a stable relationship with someone I trusted."

"You're very cynical you know, about everything, life" Richard said waving his hand around the room

"What just because I don't like babies who drool all the time?"

"No just your attitude about life in general"

"And I love you too, now bugger off!"

**Kat as a mother what a terrifying thought!!  Ok so Mel's view on the whole thing coming up in the chapter!! **

**Please do review or you'll be emmmm….ignored! **


	5. Godness gracious great sugar bags!

**Ok this is Mel's POV on the current Kat pregnant fiasco! It is written by Oracles Maiden. Like it? Then check out her story 'Misfit'**

I sat in the shadow of the Christmas tree, watching her. The boys were flapping around trying to make the mother to be comfortable… only she wasn't. 

She wasn't the mother to be! Come on, hadn't anyone here got a brain cell that could be put to communal use! She hadn't slept with Bobby! Ever! She couldn't be the one who was pregnant, and it looked like I was the only one that seemed to realise. 

And that test had to be returned to the bathroom, so that whoever it was that possibly might be could take it and find out what they were letting themselves in for. 

"Ash!" I said calling for my leader. "Ash can I have a word with you and the others in the kitchen." 

Ash simply nodded her head and exited into the kitchen, I followed quickly as did the rest of the girls… and the boys. 

"NO!" I screamed at them. "I… um… just the girls for now, ok. This is a bit delicate." 

We closed the door behind us and took seats around the table… me, Kat, Ash, Bounce and Jubes… oh and the baby bag of sugar that was slowly shrinking as its 'Mother' ate it. 

"Um I have something I think I should have pointed out earlier before Kat got so attached to her sugar."

The girl hearing her name sat up with white granules around her mouth and gave a toothy grin and began to sing "Oh sugar you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind! GO sugar."

"Hey, Hey" Bounce joined in.

"Go sugar!" Kat concluded before burying her head in the bag again. 

I shook my head sadly. "I don't know which is more intelligent, the sugar or Kat." 

"At a guess… I'd probably say the sugar." Ash agreed. 

"Hey!!" Kat said lifting her head up to attention, with the big white bag going with it obscuring her face. 

Now I saw what was written on the side of the bag in marker… in bold black (and in places back to front) letters someone (I'm guessing either Bobby or Kat) had written 'BABY. DON'T SET ON FIRE OR FREEZE!"

 "Kat!" I screamed appalled at the thought. "If that was a real baby you couldn't put a warning label on it!?!"

Muffled by the bag Kat spoke back, with what I again guessed was a smile on her face. "Don't worry Mel, I'm quite good with a needle and thread. My baby isn't going to be able to rip it off when I'm finished."

Suddenly the image of Bobby and Kats baby came into my head. A pretty child in a big nappy with light brown hair and blue eyes. Stitched into the skin on its back were washing instructions, tattooed the wrong way up on its forehead was the phrase "If you can read this then your holding me the wrong way up." The baby had a bottle of bleach in its grasp and was sucking on it like a bottle of milk, Its nappy was slowly burning away…

"NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!" I screamed!  Ash clutched at my arm, worried about me as I had broken out in a cold sweat. 

"Mel, are you all right?" 

"I'm fine but I just had a terrible vision of the future." I stared over at Kat "Of when that has offspring." I shook my head in disgust. 

"Only nine months away Mel, better get used to the image." Jubes smiled ruffling Kats bag.

"Who did that?" The woman underneath said, shocked; shaking her head from side to side as though this would allow her to see who had. 

"Me mumsy." Jubes giggled. And I turned bright red. 

"She isn't pregnant…" I whispered. 

"What was that Mel?" Bounce smiled, taking her turn to ruffle the sugar bag. 

"Who did that?" Kat repeated the gesture with her head. 

Bounce giggled "Your unborn child…"

"AAAAAHHH!" Kat screamed jumping up and running around, one hand clutching her stomach the other her head… "AAAHHH My baby is wishing death on me from inside me. It wants me dead! It's a daddy's boy or girl."

"It's Bounce shaking your bag!" Ash shouted at her, "Now what were you saying Mel?" 

I turned to talk exclusively to Ash, she was the only one who was likely to listen to anything I had to say.

"Haven't you worked it out Ash?" I smiled, "She CAN'T be pregnant. She and Bobby don't do anything together except wish death and destruction on the aliens living inside the flowerpots in the grounds."

"Don't say that!" Kat wined again, pointing her finger towards the fridge, which she obviously thought was me. "We don't want to destroy them… we want to make peaceful contact then charge them rent."  

"You see!" I laughed angrily. "If she and bobby were in bed together at any point they would probably make a fort."

"Like we did…"

"Like we…" I paused… I'd really walked into that one. "We were drunk you'd be stone cold sober."

"I'm always drunk." Kat pointed out, turning to the coffee maker which she probably thought was me now, "I'm drunk on the wonder of life… and alcohol!" She said proudly. 

"No more drinking till the little ones here!" Ash instructed harshly. Now I exploded. 

"THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE A LITTLE KAT, SHE DIDN'T EVEN BUY THAT TEST! I DI…" ooooopppps, that wasn't meant to slip out. 

Ash looked at me in surprise, Kat however was now chasing her own ass again, but in her sugar bag. Jubes and Bounce were helping her and I don't even think that they heard. 

"Mel? You? But you can't… I mean… you're so careful?" she assured, not believing. And to tell the truth I couldn't believe it. 

"Nothings ever 100% sure. Especially when you forget to do anything…" I blushed, biting my lip, knowing the reaction I'd get.

"MEL!!" Ash said gently pushing me and looking at me like I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life.

"What I got mixed up… and seeing as me and Kurt have been dating for god knows…"

"Still no excuse." Ash warned. 

"Hey you didn't give Kat this much trouble when you thought that she bought the test." 

"Course I didn't. Kats a moron! She doesn't understand how to change a baby let alone create one. I expected more from you."

"You sound like my mother." I moaned sinking onto the counter and resting my head on the cold surface. 

"Yeah well that's something else your going to have to worry about Mel, telling her that she's going to be a young grandmother."

I winced; mum got breathing difficulties whenever she thought she got a grey hair, this would kill her, and dad would kill Kurt. 

"Damn it!!" I screamed. 

"Take it from the look on Kurt's face he doesn't know yet," Ash smiled playfully "Mummy?"

"Don't say that, yet." I warned as Kat ran past me to the kitchen sink and ran her burning bag of sugar under the tap, still on her head. No wonder it started to smell like candyfloss in here, I just thought my cravings were starting early. "And no, he doesn't. I didn't want to tell him before I got a positive or negative answer. No use the both of us worrying."

"You were going to go through this alone?" Ash said draping her arm round my shoulders. 

"Well yeah, I suppose. But you know, you guys tend to support me even when you don't know what's going on, so call me conceited but I was expecting that to happen again." I paused, the atmosphere was too heavy… one thing I'd learnt from outer space was that nothing was so bad that it couldn't be forgotten with a joke. "Plus I thought if I told Wolvie before I knew for sure Kurt's death might be in vain."

However Ash took this seriously. "True."

"WHAT!" I said shocked. "You don't think that… he'd… really?" 

Ash shook her head sadly "No… he'll probably just break his legs… and possibly his tail."

I gulped… this was bad. Damn my body and its desire to reproduce!

"Hey Mel, what's up you look white as a sheet." Bounce smiled popping up at my right, separating me from Ash's comforting smile. 

"Yeah, sheesh you look like your having kids." Jubes said with a brash smile, rubbing my back harshly. All I could do was blanch even whiter. 

"Not exactly the best phrasing." Whispered Ash under her breath, but if I could hear it then Bounce and Jubes could. 

"What?" they said in unison as Kat continued to douse her flaming head in the sink. 

"Kidding… Mel… she's… Mel tell them!" she urged. 

"No!" I moaned. Then after a sharp prod I sat up straight. "The river ain't run red yet…" I moaned embarrassed. 

"That happens in the bible doesn't it… on judgement day! I think we should be glad that hasn't happened yet!" Jubes said, proud of herself that she'd been clever. 

"No!!!" Ash smiled with the twinkle in her eye that said shed thump her in a minute for being so stupid. "What Mel means is…" She looked at me just as embarrassed, and dropped her voice 4 octaves into almost a whisper. "She hasn't had the painters in yet… and she's worried that they won't come."

Bounce looked shocked and raised her had to her mouth "…But Mel… your rooms such a lovely shade of white, and since Kurt moved in and you got rid of most of those girly bits its really beautiful, you don't need to redecorate." She exclaimed and me and Ash simultaneously rolled our eyes and wiped our brows. This was too difficult for words…

"No Bounce… Jubes… you're both really not getting the point here, see Mel here thinks that she might just be…"

I cut in… "Preggers. Knocked up. With child. Expecting. Baking a bun in the oven. Pregnant. Take your pick." I moaned sadly. 

"Ok, I'll take with child, Bounce which do you want?" Jubes said excited. 

Then I felt two arms rap around my waist. 

"OHHH MELLY!!!! OH WE CAN BE PREGNANT TOGETHER AND I CAN GIVE BIRTH TO A LITTLE ICE CUBE AND YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE BALL OF BLUE FUR!!!" Kat screamed with delight. "AND WE CAN GO BABY CLOTHES SHOPPING AND I CAN HELP YOU CUT OUT HOLES IN ALL THE LITTLE BABY GROS FOR ITS TAIL!!! AND WE CAN BE LIKE SISTERS!!!" I smiled sadly… I didn't have the heart to point out the fact that if I was having a baby she wasn't. Also I didn't have the heart to point out that her makeshift baby was singeing the bottom of my hair.  So I looked to Ash, begging her to explain.

"Kat, first of all can you continue to douse those flames cause they're quite distracting…"

"And hypnotising…" Jubes smiled waving her head back and forth watching the flames before falling into a heap on the floor.

Kat sulked back to the basin and doused the flames for a final time before they went out. Then she sadly dragged the disintegrating bag off her head and looking at it sheepishly. 

"I hope that doesn't happen so easily with the real baby." She moaned before handing it to me. "Your turn."

"No thanks." I said dropping the thing to the floor because of the heat radiating from it… however I guessed that Kat couldn't register heat in her fingertips, that's why she'd been ok holding it. 

"OOOOHHHH NOOO!" she screamed, dropping to her knees. "You can't just abandon a baby like that Mel, it doesn't matter what it looks like, its still a human being!"

"It's a bag of sugar!" I scoffed. 

She shushed me "Don't listen to her baby, I don't care what you look like, I'll raise you like my own." She said hugging the 'baby' to her chest.

"Ash please!" I pleaded with my leader to end the charade. 

"Only if you tell Kurt."

"Scouts honour!" I smiled raising my hand. 

"You weren't in the scouts?" Ash pointed out. 

"Oh yeah." I blushed, lowering my hand. "But I promise I'll tell him."

"Ok. Kat babe I've got some bad news…" Ash said kneeling beside the 'mother and baby' with an evil grin on her face. 

**5 minutes later!!!**

"MEL YOU ALWAYS STEAL MY THUNDER! COULDN'T YOU JUST LET ME BE PREGNANT FOR ONCE!!! I'LL MAKE A GREAT MOTHER! I HAD THE BAG OF SUGAR AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO HIM DID IT!?!?" Kat shouted trying to jump at me. Luckily Ash and Jubes were restraining her while Bounce batted away the flying objects that Kat was hurling at me as I stood out of harms way on top of the table. 

And the sugar that she was so good at looking after… that had been the first thing she'd thrown at me. 

"It would have been a bit suspicious after 9 months if I had a baby and you still had a bag of sugar wouldn't it!" I called down to her. 

"DON'T BE SMART! THE BAG WAS A BABY! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE A BAG OF SUGAR?!"

"BECAUSE IF I AM HAVING A BABY THEN MINE WILL BE FLESH AND BLOOD NOT PROCESSED CANE!!" I screamed back. And Kat froze staring at me with all the hatred she could, then it disappeared and she started to make her way to the living room… leaving me on the table, Bounce in her colander helmet still guarding me from aerial assault and the others simply looking after her. 

And I'm sure I heard her moan as she left…

"GOD YOU ARE SO IMMATURE MEL!"  

**Remember guest authors need reviewing too! Even more so in fact as it encourages them to come back and write some more and besides with out her Retribution X would have finished with the last story because I lost motivation half way through this but she spurred me on by being a general annoyance. **


	6. Mens Meeting

**Its**** been awhile since I've updated but here is the new chapter! Its Wolverines POV! Thank you to NCSGirl, Oracles Maiden and Ha.Ha.What (Jess and alter ego Sharley) for reviewing! **

**A/N: My little (evil) Kat muse is currently taking a break in NCSGirls fic so check her out there! Oh and she shall be enetering the X Big Brotherhood Mansion within the next few days so go check her out there as well!**

The red headed kid, whose name I choose at this moment to erase from my memory, stalked into the room and kicked the Christmas tree we had risked everything to steal yesterday, ungrateful brat. However I found myself softening towards her when I remembered her hormones must be raging due to her condition.

"What's up kid?" I ask coz it don't look like anyone else was gonna bother, well Hank usually does this stuff but he's too busy stroking his swollen belly eyes misting over, yes he was taking a turn to wear the pregnancy suit.

Kat (unfortunately my memory decided that I should always remember this lil' freak) sniffled.

Bobby ran to her side "What's up snuggle bum?"

"IM NOT PREGNANT!" She wailed clutching him to her as one would cling to a life raft when stranded in the ocean

"If you're not pregnant then who the hell is?" I exploded; dammit I knew I couldn't trust that Bounce girl to tell me the truth, unless Ash had been lying in which case someone was going to be strung up by their testicles.

"Ohhh I wanted to be a daddy!"

Hank threw Bobby an ice cube from his drink

"Yay we're parents!!" Bobby squealed cradling his ice cube

"Anyway if you ain't pregnant then who is?" I asked again, god that girls thick, she looked at me blankly for a moment

"Simple…" She began before grinning evilly (it was quite frightening really not that I would ever admit to it, I'm much too macho to be scared by a whippersnapper like her) "…Mel!"

"Grrr!" Snickt

Kurt paled (well as much as a blue mutant can) before gulping and then Bamph!

"Come back here elf and I'll make sure this never happens again!!!! Kurt!! Kurt!!! Where the hell did he Bamph to?" I asked seeing red

Hank pointed meekly to the floor

**A minute later**

I re entered the room dragging an unconscious skinny blue elf behind me by the hair.

"Men's meeting main kitchen now!" I instructed as I heard Hank scramble to follow me, still carrying his 'child'.

**In the X-men's kitchen**

We had gathered the usual suspects (namely Me, Hank, One eye and Kurt) and chased off other annoyances (like Jean, I mean who could stay focused when she's wandering around in a miniskirt with the emphasis on 'mini')

"So what yer gonna do elf?" I asked looking at him as he basked in a new disgusting light, and him a man of the bible too. I tutted mentally

"The honorable thing…the thing I should have done a long time ago…" Kurt said reaching into his pocket

"Good for you!" Scott said eyes misting slightly

Kurt pulled out a revolver from his pocket.

"Good on yer elf!" 

Kurt strode into the next room, Scott followed him quickly and I don't think that Hank even noticed, so preoccupied was he with his 'pregnancy'

"Nooo! You can't leave a baby fatherless! Think about Mel and how she would feel…" I heard Scott twitter on from outside the door, I couldn't see why he couldn't let Kurt do what he had ta do, it would save me a job after all.

**10 Minutes later**

Kurt walked back into the room and put the revolver back onto the table.

"He talk yer outta it elf…shame" I said sarcastically

"No I just wanted to get away from him…" He jerked his finger towards the door frame that Scott went to lean against but missed. "…besides if this life is heaven I hate to see what death is like with people like Scott about!"

"Good point" I conceded

"Logan what should I do about this whole Mel pregnancy thing?" Kurt asked yellow eyes searching my own (let it be said, more beautiful) eyes.

"Dump her and go to Greenland" I suggested

This unlikely comment caused a stir in the blue hulk sat to my left "You bastard how could you even suggest such a thing what kind of father will you make to our own little bundle of joy?" Hank yelled as he began to bash me around the head

Snickt 

"Now, now Logan you wouldn't raise your fist to some one who was expecting would you?" Hank said wagging his finger at me.

"You ain't really pregnant you arse!" I yelled at him. Hank rather worryingly put his paws over his ears and began to hum loudly.

At that moment Kat strode into the kitchen and pulled up a chair along side Cyclops. I didn't bother yelling at her to get out she wouldn't understand what we were talking about anyway.

Scott suddenly began to sob uncontrollably

"I know Cyke the kid has the same effect on me!"

"No it isn't her, I'm just thinking about me and Jean and I'm wondering why we haven't got pregnant yet!" He sniffled rubbing his snotty nose on his knitted sleeve

Kat got up and went to the fridge

"Don't worry Cyke, its only cause no one in their right mind would want a baby with you….let alone sleep with you for that matter!" I comforted him

Kat however dumped a load of ice cold peas and assorted vegetables into Scott's lap before announcing that it was good for his sperm because they like the cold, like Bobby.

I shook my head to dislodge any images of what Scott Summers sperm would look like

Kurt looked up from the table and sighed "I've wanted to ask her before you know but I was always afraid that she would say no, because of how I look…"

I interrupted him, hell someone had to knock some sense into him "She wouldn't have gone to bed with you if she found you repulsive like the rest of the populace!"

"Thank you Logan your restore my faith in myself no end"

"No problem elf! Just one question did you leave the light on or turn it off!"

"Logan you are sick!" Kurt whapped at me with his tail "…anyway as I was saying, but if I ask her to marry me now she's going to think that I'm only asking because I think that it is my duty not because I want to."

"Well you'll just have to convince her otherwise!" Hank informed him rather curtly, maybe his hormones were playing up and he was going through one of them phantom pregnancies that Sabretooth always used to seem to know to much about.

**Whatchya** thinkin'?****** Ok so it's a little out of Character….**

**Logan****: AHEM!**

**Ellie: A lot out of character but I hope that you found it a little entertaining! So please do review, I like to hear your thoughts, what you found funny, what you didn't…you know!**


	7. Stolen Thunder

**This is a Kats POV and it is written by Mini Maiden (Oracles Little sister otherwise known as Cozzie.B or Red Haired She Devil!)  Hope ya like and do review her and tell her you thoughts, remember everyone loves feedback! So do review her!**

I didn't care what Mel had said. I a strange feeling that I was actually pregnant even though everyone else kept saying that it wasn't me that bought the test. You see I had blank spots every day when I couldn't remember anything which I had done for an hour of so but Baldy had always said that this was because of the amount of times I'd hit my head on large objects growing up. I may have brought it on one of those times. 

            Since Mel had, yet again, stolen my thunder, I had ignored her, and since I had told Kurt she was up the spout of the chocolate teapot she hadn't spoken to me either. Because of this, Hank was now my second in command. 

            "So then she gets all uppity just because I told Kurt that he was expecting. The way I see it the man had a right to know and also…" 

"Please stop talking"

            "No. And also she had stolen my thunder so the way I see it an eye for an eye a foot for a nose."

            Hank looked about as happy as I was feeling right now, and that wasn't very happy. I needed to get all the girls together for a talk but every time I yelled for a girls meeting in the kitchen they either stared at me blankly or ignored me. They wouldn't have done this if they thought I was carrying! But Ash seemed to get the message (I assumed from the laughter coming from her corner) and convinced the girls I was sincere.

            When we were far away from the three legged demons that had gotten me and the A-Hole into this mess I started to confess to my friends. 

            "You lot know that I'm expecting Jesus and everything?" for a second they were all hanging on every word. Well except for Mel who was yet again stating that I wasn't pregnant. 

            "Well, I've sort of got a confession to make. It… well… it might not be Bobby's." 

            Suddenly the conversation and the rummaging through the fridge that had started while I was speaking stopped. 

            "You mean you've actually tricked someone else into being with you?" Jubes exclaimed, then realised what she had said, "And by tricked of course I mean persuaded." 

            "Well you guys know how a few months ago I refused to go on a mission because I had a huge hole in my costume?"

            "Burnt there by you!"

            "This is no time to point the finger Mel! And you know how while you were away Pyro came around and we burnt down one of the wings by mistake. Well while he was here we…"

            "OH DEAR GOD!!!" Ash was white faced, Mels was red and Jubes was Green, but Bounce seemed to be loving the story. "How are you going to tell Bobby?"

            "Actually I haven't finished my story. You know how Richard has this beer, lab, beer, lab routine? Well he missed his beer one day and phoned through for it, so I decided to take it to him out of kindness but while I was there we got chatting… and one thing led to another…"

            "Bobby is just going to kill you!!"

            "Wait there's more. One night I went downstairs cause I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get a cup of coffee as I'd heard that could help. Well Remy was there and he was drunk again and watching a film and I felt giggly after my coffee so I decided to watch the film too. But it turns out it was one of _THOSE films and Remy thought he was in his bedroom. So I got scared and Remy tried to comfort me and it just sort of happened."_

            "Been there girl!" Bounce chipped in with replies from the audience about Remy. 

            "WAIT! There's more. You know how the night you found the pregnancy test I went carolling with Scott. Well…"

            "OH DEAR GOD NO!" Jubes had immediately gotten up and puked in the nearest bin, and Ash didn't look much better.

        "But on the plus side with that one, Scott was really very gentle." More retching. "And he even let me win!"

        "What kind of sick world you live in Kat?" Ash exclaimed. 

        "It wasn't my fault and I don't see what the big deal is with me doing this with other guys. It's just that Bobby says that since we're an item now my thumb should be for him and him only…" Jubes was retching even louder. "I mean what is the big deal with playing thumb wars with a couple of hundred guys anyway?"

        At this the room stood still. Ash was giggling madly again with that strange tick she always got when she was around me and suddenly there was a sigh of relief from the studio audience. 

        "False alarm, she isn't pregnant. She is however a moron." Mel said.

        "But I am! I've played Thumb wars with so many people that I must have a bun in my closet!"

        "Kat, can you tell me who told you, you get pregnant by playing thumb wars?"

        "It was Hank when we went on that cruise. After he finished his crab story (Refer to 'Retribution X: On Holiday) He told me and Bobby to be careful when playing it coz I might get pregnant. And I've done it with so many men that I must be."

        "You're just a whore aren't you?" Mel said (I got told later) jokingly. 

        When we looked back at what happened next in a few years we laughed. Yet at that time it wasn't funny. It just showed how much hairspray Mel used on her fringe. Within seconds of her saying this, her fringe was nearly gone. Mel was screaming and Jubes in desperation was punching Mel's head, trying to extinguish the flames. Let's just say that Mel leaves the room whenever I "Accidentally" set something on fire and she still has a slight bald patch. 

        After we had dowsed the flames Ash and the gang sat me down and explained to me how you made a baby. 

        "So Kat you see you can't possibly be pregnant yet, can you?"

        I thought for a moment. "Of course I can. Me and Bobby are only human after all."

        As I walked out of the room I could hear quietly spoken by Mel "Only just!"     

**Remember Kats POV is like Gold dust (a finished one anyway) so show your support for Cozzie by leaving a review!**


	8. Celebration

**Sorry to disappoint you guys, but its back to Ash's POV! Anyway this is the concluding part of Xmas Eve! Xmas Day is up next, where a special dinner companion arrives!**

**Later**

We were all sat in the living room, drinking as a way to combat the shock that _MEL, Miss I am holier, smarter, thinner, blonder and generally better than thou, was pregnant. I was knocking back the Baileys at a frenzied rate, urck kids! The only person not drinking was Mel (who we had to physically restrain to keep her away from the vodka) and that was due to the fear that it would cause the baby to end up like Kat. _

"So what are you going to call it then?" Beast asks still wearing the pregnancy suit as he perched on the edge of the coffee table (we had little seating).

"IT?!" Kurt exploded outraged "IT?! HANK IT'S A BABY! MY…er…._OUR BABY"_ He indicated to where Mel was being carefully watched by Bounce and Jubilee.

"Well I wanted to call it after someone who's dead" Mel said tucking into some pickled onions (was it me or did cravings start earlier and earlier nowadays?)

"Well what about Charles or Scott?" Wolverine suggested helpfully

"They aren't dead though!"

"That's a matter of opinion" Wolverine grumbled

Kat stuck her hand in the air "I know, I know!"

"What?" I asked suffering from a lack of curiosity as I got absorbed by the mating rituals of the African killer bee as displayed in that channel I couldn't remember the name of though it did sound intellectual!

"You could call it after _ME!" She squealed the menace with red hair_

"Or ME!" Bobby yelled bouncing onto Hank's 'swollen belly'.

"ARGH! I'M GOING TO MISCARRY!" Hank yelled panicking but we just ignored him.

Kat thumped Bobby "No me!"

"No it's going to be called Bobby if it's a boy or Bobette if it's a girl!"

"No Katherine or Katron!"

Bobby pointed an iced up finger at Kat "There's only one way to decide this!"

**10 Minutes later….**

We stood at the window as Mel explained that her choices in names would either be Evelyn Wagner if a girl or Joseph Wagner if a boy.

Kat stood in front of Bobby steely determination in her eyes; we sighed and returned to our seats. After a second or so we saw the pair (complete with saucepans on their heads) collide.

"I wonder who won" I said more to block out the sound of one of those bloody warbley films that Mel liked.

"Ummmm I wonder!" Hank said barely even sounding interested.

The whole point of this contest was for Bobby and Kat to run at each other at high speed, with saucepans on their heads and the last one to pass out after the collision was the winner, and would have the baby named after them. The only comfort in the whole process was that neither of them had a brain cell between them that could get damaged.

 **Later….******

Bobby and Kat both stumbled into the room saucepans still perched on heads.

"So who won?"  Mel asked as her saddo film came to a close.

Bobby and Kat looked sheepishly at each other 

"We don't know we can remember anything after the impact!" They replied honestly

**By the fridge**

As I peered in to check our stock of alcoholic beverages, a thought suddenly hit me. I grabbed the nearest bottle of vodka and ran like the wind into the living room.

I rested one hand against the door frame as I gasped for air. "I've just thought…."

"Steady on" I heard Wolverine mumble as he took another sip of his cheap Canadian beer.

"That cheese would be real good about now?" Kat guessed hopefully

"No…" 

"That the sea lions aren't half as angry as you believe them to be?" Tristan asked eyebrow cocked

I shot him a dirty look, how dare he bring up my drunken ramblings? "No…" I began again

"I know, I know!" Bobby said hand thrust into the air excitedly "That the polar ice caps are probably made of ice?"

"No…" I continued hurriedly determined not to be interrupted anymore "…that the pregnancy test hadn't been open yet, so we don't know if Mel's even pregnant!"

I saw Tristan reach under the sofa for our ever ready supply of party hats just incase the news was good and she wasn't pregnant.

Mel's hand flew to her mouth "Oh I forgot to take it and just kinda got carried away with the whole situation"

I threw the test at her head (luckily I missed and hit Wolverine instead) "I take it you have enough fluid in your bladder to take it now and put us out of our misery"

Mel got up and walked on wobbly giraffe legs to the bathroom. Kurt got up and followed her to the door which promptly shut in his face.

"Keep your fingers crossed that she isn't sprogged up" Bounce said loudly crossing her long slender fingers, everyone else promptly copied.

We sat in silence for a moment before Bobby looked at his watch and a look of panic spread across his face as he got up and began tugging on Hanks belly.

"It needs to go back to the shop it's already an hour late going back!" He said pulling against Hank who was screaming 

"My baby! MY POOR UNBORN BABY!!" Hank began to sob as Bobby pulled the pregnancy suit off of him.

Bobby ran off with the suit in a similar fashion to the way Gollum looks when he's grabbed the ring.

"Come back you brute!" Hank squeaked from his crumpled pile in the floor.

**10 minutes later**

Still no news from Mel. I went over to the bathroom door and pounded on it.

"Go away your putting me off" Came Mel's irritated voice.

"Oh my god is that Sabretooth!" I yelled in my best Kat 'he tried to kill me' voice.

That seemed to do the trick, I rubbed my hands together

We sat in a circle around the coffee table 

"So, how long does it take to decided whether your pregnant or not?" Richard asked

"Geez Louise, you and Hank are bloody Doctors you should be able to tell us!" Jubilee snorted

Hank sulked at the corner of the table

"Could you hold this a second Tristan?" Mel asked passing Tristan the pregnancy test as she got up and snapped the top off of a coke can.

"Mmm….good idea I could do with a beer" Tristan said as he reached for the bottle opener and a bottle of cheap beer, he absently put the test in his mouth as he opened the beer bottle.

We all stared at him 

"What? I'm thirsty!" He said then he paused "EW, ew, ew, ew, ew!!" He began to rub his hand on his tongue, until he realized that too was contaminated and he ran to the bathroom.

"Ohhh what does that line mean?" Hank asked peering at the test

Bounce, er bounced on the floor excitedly in anticipation

"It means I'm _not _pregnant" Mel sighed but she didn't sound too unhappy.

We all looked at each other, as Richard pulled the party hats out and handed them around.

_"Celebrate good times….."_

**So I hoped ya'll liked and will join in the festivities of Xmas Day…okay I know its nowhere near Xmas yet but I wanted to do a Xmas Retribution Fic before I moved away from them! Please Review! And see ya on Xmas Day!**


	9. Xmas Day

**Xmas Day**

We had finished ripping open our presents. Kat was coloring in her cookie and happily munching on her coloring book, Bounce was bouncing on her trampoline, Richard was happily filling his new chiller (it had wheels) with beer, Jubilee was doing a fashion parade, Tristan was reading his guide to dating, Bobby was playing his triangle, Mel and Kurt were speaking quietly in a corner while demonstrating their various gifts and I was preparing the turkey. This year it was going to be a entirely Retribution X Christmas, we would see various members of the X men and give them their gifts but other than that we would have our dinner in our wing and they would have theirs in the main building. Safe in this knowledge, we were having Christmas dinner with a twist this year, but more about that later. 

We heard a tap at the door and Hank, Remy and Wolverine entered bearing gifts, with Hank it was always intellectual books that only me and Richard ever read, Remy's presents were invariably bottles of Tequila and Wolverine never brought gifts he wasn't really a fan of Xmas, he only enjoyed the Turkey dinner, no doubt he came here to get away from Scott and Jean.

I bustled about the kitchen wishing that someone would come and give me a hand (preferably not Kat or Bobby).

I stood by the sink peeling the potato's when I felt someone's presence in the room, I heard a heavy stride across the room and felt someone plant a kiss on me cheek. I didn't look up.

"You and your bloody mistletoe" I said eyebrow raised

"You know you love it!"

"You're so damn cocky" I said with a grin

"I know and that's just one of the main reasons why you find me so attractive"

I snorted as Tristan took the knife off of me and began to peel the potatoes "Your hands are too small to be doing this, I'm surprised there's any potato left after you've finished hacking at it!"

"Well if people helped me like we all helped you last year when it was your turn then dinner would be ready in half the time it's taking me!"

"True, but you did frighten everyone off with the way you were wielding that knife like it was a bloody sword and waving it around as you talked." He smiled "I know what we need" He moved over to one of the cupboards as I prodded the Turkey. "ALCOHOL!" He held a bottle of Barcardi triumphantly.

Mmm…this was going to be fun, and would make dinner time a lot easier.

**Later….**

I sat on the sofa aware that I should be feeling like an idiot but due to the fact that no one other than my team mates would see me and the undeniable knowledge that I was far from sober, made the situation seem incredibly funny. Kat glided (ok stumbled but it is the season of good will and all) down the stairs, I grinned in approvement at her choice in out fit. She was dressed as a Swede, yes a Swede! No not Swede as in someone from Sweden but as in the vegetable Swede. I myself was dressed as Rudolf complete with twig antlers, red clown nose (that made me speak funny), spiky collar (don't ask) and brown furry ("atchoo"….it made me sneeze) clothes. Kat joined me on the sofa as she played with her scuba diving Barbie; unfortunately Scuba Barbie was now suffering horrendously singed hair (to the point of being bald) and a weird skin condition (ok she'd melted). 

**Ok so it's a short chapter, but I thought that I would put the break in between chapters in now or it would be one humungous chapter!**

**Now for the threats: ****If you have read this chapter and you enjoyed it, you owe it to the poor long suffering author to at least leave a small review! Besides you have no excuse I accept anonymous Reviews (and no that is not and excuse to Flame because that is mean!) REVIEW!**


	10. The Osmonds

**Oh how fun Xmas would be with this lot! Anyway feedback is always appreciated and if I mention it enough I may get some reviews.**

**I would also like to say thank god for NCSGirl and her lovely fics that keep me sane (or is that insane?) Check out her Donkey Kong Parody which sees Hank star as the big ape with the tie! It promises to be fantastic nudge nudge poke prod When are ya gonna update huh? Anyway onward with the story!**

**Later…******

We sat around the table Rudolf, Swede girl, a turkey (Jubilee), a X-mas tree (Tristan who kept overbalancing and falling onto the floor and was wedged precariously behind the table), a Cracker (Richard), a Sexy Santa (Mel), a chainsaw (Bobby) and a Christmas pudding (Bounce). Anyone who walked in would have been forgiven for thinking that they had walked in to an insane asylum. Our 'Christmas Costume brief' had been to dress as something we associated with Christmas hence the Rudolf outfit. We sat at the long dining table for our pre dinner set the world to rights discussion. Suddenly the door bell rang. We all dove under the table (except Tristan who toppled onto his back and was left legs flailing in the manner of an upturned bug) as if the bell was an air raid siren. I peered from under the festive table cloth at the door as if it would explode any second; Tristan was still making strange strangled sounds as he tried to right himself.

"Who is it?" I called cautiously

"It's only us!" Came four overly cheerful voices one of which I detected to be Kurt's.

"Who's us?" I asked buying time to come up with an ingenious plan to get rid of them, no one was meant to interrupt us!

Snickt 

"Wolverine what an unexpected surprise!" I said as I ran to open the door a crack before he could cut his way through.

"Have you got a cold?" Hank asked

"No it's this bloody nose"

"Yes why are you wearing that exactly" Asked the doctor peering at me through his spectacles.

"What is wit da twigs petite" 

Bloody Remy was here as well GRRRR!!

"To what do we owe this honor?" I asked not opening the door anymore than the crack it was already open.

 "I decided to spend Christmas lunch with my girlfriend after all" Kurt said trying to pear past my antlers to where Mel was helping Tristan upright. She should have opened the door she looked the most normal of all of us.

I heard a muffled yell as Mel dropped Tristan and legged it to the door which she flung open, wrapping her arms around her blue boyfriend and leaving the rest of us exposed.

It took a second for the inevitable to happen but as the inevitable has a nasty habit of, it did happen. The four X-Men stood at the door erupted in laughter (something rare for the stone king himself-Wolverine). 

I shot them a look medusa would have been proud of and sauntered back to my place at the head of the table.

Wolverine walked over pointing at me "You….You look like a yeti!"

I stuck out my bottom lip my face going a rather seasonal shade of red, as I tried to hide my furry clothes under the table cloth.  Tristan had once again toppled over, and was the subject of much toe poking from Remy, causing Tristan to swear loudly at the freak with the red and black eyes. Bloody git's should be sat with too perfect to be true Jean not interrupting our festivities.

Mel walked in sheepishly as she got wolf whistled by Remy, who got whapped on the head by Kurt's tail. 

We all looked shiftily around the room trying to figure out what the rest of these chumps wanted, we knew Kurt was here for Mel but the others?

I looked at the angrily "Ok guys you've had your laugh now you can run along home to eat the Brady Bunches lovely home cooked Turkey…So long!" I said waving to them

"We thought that we would grace you with our presence this year, we can't leave yer here to eat yer big ol' Turkey all on yer own." Wolverine said as he sniffed the air, inhaling the lovely aromas wafting from the Retribution X kitchen.

Jubilee's face lit up at the prospect of Wolverine spending a Christmas with her for the first time in ages, I wouldn't let her down as it was the season of good cheer and all that (on retrospect I may have drunken too much already I'm never that amenable!)

 "Ok…" I sighed "…you can stay but we are still going to have Christmas the way we planned it meaning that you can not: 

Laugh,

Point and laugh,

Complain,

Groan,

Or look at us as if we are lunatics!" I instructed ticking each instruction off on my fingers

"Scouts honour!" Hank saluted us, while Wolverine just sneered and Remy drooled in Mel's direction.

"Good…" I eyed them suspiciously assessing the threat the posed to our festivities "…now we were just about to make the toasts" I said reclaiming my seat at the top of the table and re-propping up an antler that had fallen into my line of vision.

I sat a memory hit me, a memory so strong I could still taste the coffee I was drinking and smell my vanilla deodorant. I stood up at the head of the table.

"Does anyone else remember the time that Kat wrote a whole essay about the Klu Klux clan but she got confused and called them the Wutang clan all the way through and talked at regular intervals about their 'Gravel Pit' song?"

The table erupted in laughter as the members of Retribution X remembered the fun we had reading the essay out loud and how Evelyn was the only one who could be bothered to help Kat redo the essay.

I raised my glass in toast "I propose a toast to friends who see you through the good times and the bad and give you a bit of fun in the mean time!" 

We all raised our glasses to the toast

Jubilee stood up in her chair and raised her wing (sorry arm but her costume was funny!) "I would like to add that today is dedicated to friends who are absent, Evelyn we miss you and you are still in our hearts!" Tears welled up in Jubilees eyes; this was Evelyn's favourite time of year

"_EVELYN!" We all raised our glasses to are absent but by no means forgotten friend._

Everyone sat to tuck into their appetizers (I didn't have one I was saving room for the Christmas pudding!) when the door bell once again rang. Again we all instinctively dove for cover as Hank and Remy looked on puzzled (Wolverine and Kurt were long since used to our little rituals).

"Who is it?" Bounce called

There was only what I suppose in some strange backwards culture was carolling, thus signalling it was in fact the Brady Bunch (i.e. Jean and Scott).

Kat obviously unaware of this peril ran to the door yelling "I'll get it!"

I let her do this and continued to cower under the chair (it was too crowded under the table where Tristan was writhing around like an upturned bug again).

I poked my head out so I could A) Breath and B) watch the situation with Kat after all we really didn't need 3 roast turkeys for Christmas we already had one.

Suddenly Kat squealed in excitement "IT'S THE OSMONDS AND THEY'VE BROUGHT COOKIES!!"

She jumped up and down on the spot clapping her hands to her face "WILL YOU SING PUPPY LOVE??? PLEASE! PLEASE SING PUPPY LOVE!"

"Its bloody Jeannie and the moron" Wolverine growled

Kat suddenly stopped stock still and tried to shut the door in their faces but couldn't quite bring herself to do it instead she looked at me and smiled "ASH IT'S FOR YOU!"

I shook my head and scrambled from under the chair I joined Kat at the door, who then began to walk back to the table before stopping and looking over her shoulder at our new guests "And don't bother with the singing"

I could see what Kat was getting at with the Osmond's comment as Jean and Scott were stood in matching hand knitted jumpers. Unfortunately the tragic excuses for mutants broke into 'Ding dong merrily on high'. I promptly began to shut the door on them before I spotted a tray in Jeans hands and whipped the cookies off of her before slamming the door in their faces.

**Again if you read it please review, if only to just say 'HI' just so I know people actually read this stuff! **


	11. The Sound of Music

**It's the 2nd to last Chapter now and who knows when I'll get time to do another story so please make the most of it! I'm going back to school next week sometime and I'm working all days Saturdays and my dogs had puppies (who take up a lot of time at the moment!) and hey I need a social life, but I shall try and find sometime! **

**Also anyone who is interested: **I shall write a new chapter of X Big Brotherhood sometime today or tomorrow before I go back to school! If you ain't already familiar with it please go check it out! I need to know whether Eric or Jubilee should be evicted! But be prepared Scott is now an avid naturist, Sabretooth is Bobby's pet Kitty and Ororo's obsessed with the Gold fish! Also there is much of Remy trying to win over Rogue! Anyway go check it out and let me know your views! ****

Our dinner table now had the Brady Bunch, Ororo, Rogue, Piotr, Kitty and Betsy sat at it why these people, many of whom we weren't on more than greeting terms with, were sat at our table eating our food is beyond me. We were sat at the table, doing exactly as we had planned from the beginning, we were watching 'The sound of music' and it was now our favourite song 'Doe ray me'.

_"Doe a deer a female deer,_

_Ray a drop of golden sun,_

_Me a name I call myself,_

_Fah__ a long long way to run…"_

All of Retribution X (still clad in our costumes) were doing our little dance as many of the X-men either edged away from us (noticeably Betsy and Kitty) or watched us in amusement (including Hank and Kurt). It took us a few seconds to realise that Kat was singing different lyrics so absorbed were we. Kats version of it went:

_"Doh Ash says when I come in_

_Ray the guy that puts out fires _

_Me they blame for Christmas trees_

_Fah__ where I go when Wolvie snickts_

_Soh__ what am I doing here?_

_Lah__ whats happening in my brain _

_Tee I am when Scott plays Golf_

_ Which will bring us back to… Downtown! _

_Things will be bright when you're….Downtown!"_

I don't think Kat had even noticed that she had changed songs, the team stopped and observed Kat for a moment before we once again continued with our little dance to Julie Andrews little ditty. The song was punctuated by little comments as is costmary of me like "If you was driving that horse and cart and they were warbling on in the back wouldn't you tell them to get the hell off of your cart?"

BRING

I swear to god right at that minute I was willing to pull the door bell off of the wall with my teeth. This time only Tristan dropped to the floor (ok he more overbalanced then dropped to the floor). I stomped over to the door, and flung it open to reveal the Professor and….MAGNETO??!

"What do you want?" I asked 

"Have you got a cold?" Magneto asked clad in his little red power uniform (complete with cape)

"NO! IT IS THE BLOODY RED NOSE THAT IS MAKING ME TALK LIKE THIS IMBECILE" I growled ala Wolverine

As if from no where Kat launched herself at Magneto crying "_ITS SANTA!__ SANTA'S HERE TO GIVE ME PRESENTS FOR BEING A GOOD GIRL! SEE WOLVIE HE ISN'T GOING TO GIVE ME A SACK OF COAL!!" Kat then promptly stuck herself to Magnetos leg as the old man looked at her with distaste and shook his leg in a bid to fling her off._

Charles peered up at me with his little old man eyes "I invited Eric for dinner however it seems you have forced all of my X-Men to have dinner with you so we were all alone"

"Have I indeed?" I said putting my hands on my hips before I marched into the dining room where everyone was still immersed in the delights of 'The sound of Music' "Right so it has nothing to do with accelerated popularity that you are joining us for dinner, it's because Xavier invited the freak isn't it?" 

As Magneto walked in the room Kitty phased through the wall (and thus into the garden), Piotr fell (or jumped I wasn't watching) out of the window, Betsy gave us a withering look before leaving via the front door, Rogue grabbed Remy and flew into the wall before actually getting out of the window, and Ororo knocked Tristan onto the floor again as she ran around in a circle, whacking her head with her spoon before finally tripping over the sofa and getting through the door. Hank and Wolverine too were running around the wing in circles but I zapped them and insisted that they stay if Xavier and Magneto were. Kurt asked Mel if she had a particular destination she wished to be bamphed to, this resulted in him being whapped across the head with a place mat. 

Xavier was now sat at the end of the table with the T.V on his lap ('The sound of music' had now been turned off) and every 5 minutes or so a bread roll or Xmas cracker would go flying at his head when the channel needed to be changed. We were on our Christmas pudding; I was on my 2nd plateful, when disaster struck. Bounce began to choke. Hank looked at her dispassionately and shrugged 

"I'm off duty!" 

We shot him a dirty look that made him get up from his chair and thump her on the back hard. A small metallic item flew out from her mouth and landed in Kats pudding. Bobby smiled took the object from the bowl and licked off the cream and Christmas pudding. He got from his chair and knelt down by Kat.

"Will you marry me?" He asked

"EEEEEEPPPPPP!" Kat squealed throwing her arms around him "OFCOURSEIWILLBOBBYDRAKEYOUARESOROMANTICANDILOVEYOUANDIWANNAMARRYYOU!" She said quickly and in that horrible high pitched rat like squeak of hers

Applause exploded around the table

"Urck!" It sounded like there was an echo in the room. I looked around and realised that Eric and Logan had made the same sick sound as me.

"Congratulations Robert!" Hank said getting up and heartily shaking Bobby's hand before Bobby clung to him "You can be my best man!"

"Oh what a pity and I was hoping it was going to be me" Magneto said dryly causing me and Wolverine to giggle

Bobby let go of Hank and looked at Magneto seriously "No you can't be my best man coz I don't like you and you smell pooey!" He said holding his nose

Kurt looked at Mel "I was going to leave this until later when we were alone but seeing as Bobby has now, in front of these good people."

Xavier swelled slightly with pride at being called a good person, simple minds and all that!

Kurt got up from his chair and pulled a velvet box from his pocket "Melody Fields I would be honoured if you would take me to be you lawfully wedded husband until death us do part"

Tears streaked down Mel's face as the room filled with "Awwww"'s and 3 "Ew!"S 

Mel bit her lip as Kurt put the ring on her long elegant and perfectly manicured hands "Yes" She breathed as she began to sob

"BOBBYDOSOMETHING! DON'TLETTHEMSTEALMYTHUNDERAGAIN!" Kat said as she threw Christmas crackers, bowls and Magnetos helmet at the happy couple

"EEEEEPPPP!" Mel squealed as she ducked under the table for cover before yelling from underneath "WHY CAN'T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME YOU EVIL LITTLE WENCH!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME BLONDIE" Kat yelled throwing a few fireballs under the table singeing the carpet in the process

I sighed why? Why oh why could we not go one Christmas in this mansion without an argument and something (and more often then not someone) being burnt?

**Please do review remember I shall soon be working on meagre rations when I'm back at school so please try to stock pile the reviews for me, that way your assured of more stories (like you actually care! ;0) ).**

**Also another shameless plug**** go check out my first Hank McCoy fic 'The Monster mash – Hank McCoy style' I can gaurentee that you ain't ever seen the X-men in this light before (well I hope you aint or that's just pissed on my Bonfire!) Anyway it's good fun and I hope Hank fans (few though you are) will enjoy it! **


	12. Aftermath

**Ok it's the last Chapter and its effectively fuzz (not fluff – fuzz). I know, I know do I ever learn?**

**That evening**

We sat alone by the fire, it would have been a heart warming sight had the fire not been once our lovely table, and we could only hope and prey that one day Mel's hair would grow back. Only me and Jubilee were still up, Kurt was lovingly applying burn balm to Mel's head up in their bedroom, Kat and Bobby were….who knows where, Bounce and Richard were in bed (separately not in bed together, jeez get that mind out of the gutter!) and Tristan had gone back with Magneto under the allusion this act of generosity would make Wanda agree to go on a date with him.

It is therefore needless to say to all you long term Retribution X readers that we were very, very drunk, and you will also know what its like when ever members of Retribution X are drunk, its insanity. That is why I was puzzled as I looked into the fire because me and Jubilee, although not speaking coherently were not laying cling film traps for Wolverine or being beastly to the Brady Bunch.

Jubilee giggled as she threw a peanut into the air and attempted to catch in her mouth, emphasis on attempted.

_"Deck the hills with boughs of colic…."_ I sang before stopping and thinking for a moment "That's not right…" I mumbled

"What I think you were trying to sing was…" Jubilee said finger held aloft before clearing her throat and launching into song _"The hills are alive with the sound of mucus…."_ She paused for a second too before shaking her head "I don't know what you meant" She conceded sadly

"Sooooooooooooo….." I stopped to gasp for air "Where's Marshall the mutant?" I asked referring to her boyfriend

"In the history books…I mean who honestly _really_ buys their girlfriend a plastic ring and a box of cookies for Christmas!"

I shook my head in disgust, men they really didn't have a clue

"Isn't about time you got yourself a man?" Jubilee asked

I shook my head "I'm happy just me and me brain!" Mordekai shook his head in disbelief (after all he was privy to all my innermost thoughts whether I liked it or not).

"Come on there must be someone you wouldn't mind tipping your beer at?" The girl was annoyingly persistent

"_She fancies Wolverine!" Came my own little voice sing songed yet I hadn't made my mouth say that._

I grabbed the saucepan laid by the side of the sofa (where Kat and Bobby had left it) and hit myself over the head with it. "Stay in my head where you belong, stupid bloody men…OW!" I rubbed the bump that was forming on my head and cursed shaking my fist at the sky.

Jubilee giggled "So seriously who do you fancy?"

I felt all the blood rush to my face against my will.

"OH MY GOD YOU DON'T FANCY….." I clamped my hand over her gob suddenly feeling a hell of a lot more sober 

"Shhhhh….keep it down will ya I don't want the whole world to bloody know!" I whispered in her ear menacingly.

I inched my hand away from her face hesitantly but she seemed to be keeping schtum.

"I wouldn't have told you that if I wasn't drunk you know I would have had a lot more control" I grouched

"How long have you er…..?" Jubes couldn't find the words

I shrugged "I dunno, it kinda creeps up on you! One minute your blissfully normal the next thing you a necrophilia!"

"Necrophilia? Wolverine ain't dead!"

"No but he is pretty damn old" I grinned slightly "Please don't say a word to anyone especially him or Kat!" I almost pleaded before remembering I don't plead.

At that moment we heard the door adjoining the main mansion open. Jubilee bounced up from the sofa and ran over to our guest i.e. Wolverine.

"Hi Wolverine, you'd never guess what…" She wittered on brightly

I groaned and buried my head in the pillows

"Ash really isn't feeling very well" My head shot up from the pillow and I narrowed my eyes at Jubilee who was making kissy kissy faces behind Wolverines back.

"I'm not surprised all that alcohol she downed" he snorted in something close to disdain

Jubilees face brightened again "You know the reason she drinks?"

 Wolverine shook his head in a way that said he neither knew nor cared 

Jubilee carried on obliviously "She drinks to forget…"

Wolverine looked at me sharply "To forget what?" His voice came out quick, a little too quick. I knew what he was thinking, he was thinking I had told her about the stuff with Kevin

I looked at Jubilee, stomach churning unsure what this unpredictable fiend would say next

"…she drinks to forget Kat and her evil antics and her growing dislike for Mel…you know it effects our leader more than we all think!" I cocked an eyebrow, outside of missions I didn't give a damn about Mel and Kats relationship.

"It never looked like it affected her before" Wolverine knew something was going on with Jubes and that she was playing with him "Besides I would drink if I had to live with that little monster!"

I quickly cut in before Jubes could get anymore carried away "Erm was there something you wanted?"

"Oh yeh just came to check none of you were burnt to death and I came to nick er….borrow some beer" 

"There isn't any and it was lovely of you to visit, my my is that the time I really must be getting to bed *yawn* I'm so, so tired anyway will see you another time bub bye!" I spoke quickly and began to prod him in the direction of the door before slamming it in his face.

I turned to Jubes ZZZZzzzzzzz

"I'm off to bed now bye!" Jubilee yelled over shoulder as she fled my wrath.

**So now we know who Ash shines a light for, but as always with Ash it won't go right for her, after all her name is not Mary Sue! (Xx-Disturbed-xX see you guessed right *applauds Xx-Disturbed-xX*)**

**Ok remember this is your last chance to review so pweeeasssee don't disappoint this poor skinny muse! *Picks up ****Logan**** mmuse by mutton chops and holds him up to the screen***

**Snickt**

**Argh****! Review so my life won't be in vain *Runs like the wind* **


End file.
